{"id":878,"date":"2018-01-19T13:56:35","date_gmt":"2018-01-19T20:56:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/?p=878"},"modified":"2018-07-31T13:50:40","modified_gmt":"2018-07-31T19:50:40","slug":"four-questions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/four-questions\/","title":{"rendered":"Four Questions"},"content":{"rendered":"<p align=\"RIGHT\"><i>By Joseph DiCenso<\/i><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What is my\u00a0<b>truth<\/b>?<\/li>\n<li>What is my\u00a0<b>part<\/b>?<\/li>\n<li>What is my\u00a0<b>learning<\/b>? OR What am I\u00a0<b>learning<\/b>?<\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">What is my\u00a0<b>task<\/b>?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>In preparing for a recent piece of work with a small business going through a major transition and confronting deep interpersonal conflicts, these four questions came to me as potentially useful. Since then, I have spent some time honing them and my thinking about them as a tool.<\/p>\n<p>I like the simplicity of the questions and the ground they cover. I think they can be applied to group, team, family and\/or relationship settings as well as to individual reflection and personal mastery.<\/p>\n<p>Being a model-making type, I couldn\u2019t just leave the questions as a list but felt compelled to see if they were an expression of something model-like. I actually think they\u2019re quite serviceable and adequate as &#8220;just&#8221; a list of questions, and some readers may stop here and start using them out in the world without further ado.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">But, actually, before you do so, I think you may find you\u2019ll get even more out of them if I at least define my terms\u2014what I mean by &#8220;truth,&#8221; &#8220;part,&#8221; &#8220;learning,&#8221; and &#8220;task.&#8221; While they may seem to speak for themselves, some of them could be construed in ways I don\u2019t mean.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #900000; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>TRUTH<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">By\u00a0<b>Truth<\/b>, I mean what authors Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks call &#8220;the unarguable truth,&#8221; or those things I can say that are simply not subject to dispute. Basically, that means what\u2019s happening now, in my body\u2014breath, belly, bones and emotions. I agree with the Hendrickses that the body tells the truth, so listening to and knowing how to interpret the body is more than half the work to be done here.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">So, the first step is coming clean with myself, which requires self-awareness, a capacity for reflection and self-acceptance\u2014making room for whatever shows up inside me.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">Thus, answering the question, &#8220;What is my truth?&#8221; I reveal\u00a0<i>myself<\/i>rather than take your inventory. I\u2019m not judging or evaluating, shaming or blaming others\u2014or myself, for that matter! I\u2019m speaking what\u2019s alive in me simply and briefly, without game-playing or manipulation, pity or pride, pandering or protecting.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><i>EXAMPLE: &#8220;My body is fidgety, and I\u2019m not fully engaged.&#8221;<\/i><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><b>PART<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">My\u00a0<b>Part<\/b>\u00a0is how I am (or have been) co-creating, colluding with, or contributing to the current reality I just spoke about in my Truth statement. This requires a willingness to take responsibility. Somewhere between codependence\/rescuer consciousness (&#8220;Everything\u2019s my fault\/happens on my watch&#8221;) and victim consciousness (&#8220;Everything happens to me&#8221;) is a state of vibrant self-responsibility wherein I take 100% responsibility\u00a0<i>only<\/i>\u00a0for my behaviors\u2014and perhaps my beliefs, feelings, attitudes and values as well. With this model I suggest that behavior alone\u2014what I do or say\u2014be the focus of this second question, &#8220;What is my part?&#8221; (Question three provides an opportunity to address the less tangible beliefs, values, attitudes and feelings.)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">Owning my part is not about shame or blame. Its purpose is not to figure out how I\u2019ve been bad, but to notice where I have\u00a0<i>power and choice<\/i>\u00a0and what I\u2019ve done (or not done) with those resources.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><i>EXAMPLE: &#8220;I have not asked for what would keep me fully engaged.&#8221;<\/i><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><b>LEARNING<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">The term\u00a0<b>Learning<\/b>\u00a0refers to meaning, lessons, insights or guidance gained from reflecting on the first two questions. This requires humility and curiosity. For many of us, learning is laden with lots of baggage from our culture or personal history. It can be a form of punishment (&#8220;<i>That<\/i>\u00a0oughta teach you a lesson!&#8221;) or a shaming act (&#8220;You should know better&#8221;). To learn anything, we must first admit our not knowing, which can bring its own risks.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">The learning I invite and encourage in this model is free of shoulds and shame, self-attack or punishment, and full of honesty, humility, curiosity and trust in one\u2019s own intuition.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">I use two forms of the question because &#8220;What is my learning?&#8221; points toward a single and specific lesson or insight, whereas asking &#8220;What am I learning?&#8221; allows that I may be engaged in an ongoing process of inquiry, meaning-making and mastery. Either one or both may be appropriate, given your context.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><i>EXAMPLE: &#8220;I have been blaming others for my boredom rather than voicing requests for what would engage me.&#8221;<\/i><\/span><i>EXAMPLE: &#8220;I hesitate (or I am learning how) to ask for what I want because I\u2019m not sure how to do so without shame or blame.&#8221;<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><b>TASK<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>Task<\/b>\u00a0is about action, application, contribution or gift. It asks, &#8220;How will I apply what I&#8217;m learning in concrete and specific action\/behavior?&#8221; And, &#8220;What is my task (or part) in creating my\/our desired future reality?&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">What\u2019s required at this stage is\u00a0<i>agency<\/i>\u2014to be willing and able to take action on my own behalf and for the benefit of others, to exert my power or influence. My task, in this context, is the thing I\u00a0<i>can<\/i>do that I also\u00a0<i>choose<\/i>\u00a0to do. My task is not determined by &#8220;shoulds&#8221; or shame. It is not a penance or a punishment; it is more a sacrament and an experiment; something I fully offer without attachment\u2014but with attention\u2014to outcome.<\/span><\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><i>EXAMPLE: &#8220;At the next three meetings, I will request, and offer to lead, physical movement at the start and the middle of our meeting.&#8221;<\/i><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p><b>NO SHAME, NO BLAME<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">You may have noticed how, with each of the four questions, I have emphasized the importance of stepping out of any habits of shaming or blaming (self or others). I believe we live in a world, especially in the West\u2014and in the U.S., in particular, where blame, shame and punishment are reflexive; they are culturally reinforced habits that show up in everything from our legal and penal (!) systems to our education system. From within this cultural trance, we view differences and unmet expectations as the result of someone being &#8220;right\/good&#8221; and another being &#8220;wrong\/bad.&#8221; This creates separation, polarization and fear, and dampens curiosity, empathy, learning, cooperation and generosity.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">For these four questions to yield the learning and movement that I believe is their potential, they must be asked from a different cultural context or belief system stance than what I see as the dominant (and, therefore, often invisible) one I\u2019ve named above.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">So, as you try on and try out these four questions, I urge you to keep an eye out for where you fall into the habit of shame and blame. When this happens you might try asking yourself, &#8220;If there were no \u2018bad\u2019 ones, only unsuccessful attempts to meet our deepest needs, then what?&#8221;<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #900000; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>COURAGE AND SELFHOOD<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">All four questions require a certain courage and self-esteem or self-possession. We cannot even ask the first question in some situations without the courage to find and face unpleasant or painful feelings\u2014to say nothing about the guts it takes to reveal ourselves to others. To own up, we need to face our own imperfections; to learn we need to admit that we don\u2019t know. To offer something of ourselves requires the courage to risk &#8220;failure&#8221; or rejection. (Note: I love the anonymous quote, &#8220;The only true failure is not to learn from what happens.&#8221;)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">The more at home with ourselves we are\u2014the stronger our selfhood\u2014the more access we have to these kinds of courage. I believe these questions also grow courage and selfhood, perhaps because they demand them from us, but also because they offer them as rewards. The more I exercise my self-awareness, responsibility, curiosity, humility, agency and detachment, the more I affirm my belonging with myself, my at-homeness and my ability to act on my behalf while benefiting the whole.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #900000; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>THE SHADOW WORK\u00ae ARCHETYPES<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">As I played around with the questions and this model, I noticed the resonance of the four archetypes of Lover, Warrior, Magician and Sovereign. As I see it, the\u00a0<i>healthy and balanced expression<\/i>\u00a0of each is represented in the four questions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/oldsite\/fourquestions-fullsize.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/oldsite\/fourquestions80pct.gif\" alt=\"Four Questions by Joseph DiCenso, click to see graphic at full size\" width=\"412\" height=\"475\" border=\"1\" \/><\/a>\u00a0<br clear=\"ALL\" \/><\/span><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: xx-small;\"><i>(Click for larger version)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>A LEARNING AND GROWTH CYCLE:<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Out of our Experience, Self-Awareness leads to knowing our Truth.<\/li>\n<li>Responsibility leads to asking what my Part is.<\/li>\n<li>Curiosity\/Humility leads to seeking Learning.<\/li>\n<li>And Agency &amp; Detachment lead to seeking and performing my Task, which creates new\/more Experience.<\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: small;\"><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>SUMMARY NOTES<\/b><\/span><\/span>1. Truth-telling\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: small;\"><b><\/b>\u00a0<i>(Lover archetype)<\/i><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li>Go beneath you- and it-statements, tell\u00a0<i>yourself<\/i>\u00a0the truth about you in &#8220;I-statements;&#8221; tell the &#8220;unarguable&#8221; truth<\/li>\n<li>Listen to your breath, body, heart, gut, and let them speak to you<\/li>\n<li>Requires self-awareness; requires courage because\n<ul>\n<li>We\u2019re taught not to do this<\/li>\n<li>We\u2019re afraid we\u2019ll feel pain<\/li>\n<li>We believe we are making ourselves more vulnerable (most of the time we actually make ourselves more admired)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>2. Ownership [my Part]<\/b>\u00a0<i>(Warrior archetype)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Take full responsibility\u00a0<i>only for your behaviors<\/i>\u00a0without blame, shame, (&#8220;toxic&#8221;) guilt or drama<\/li>\n<li>(Re)claim your power to create what you want\u2014and to stop creating\u00a0<i>what you haven\u2019t wanted!<\/i><\/li>\n<li>Requires (and yields) self-esteem to own up, undefended<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>3. Learning<\/b>\u00a0<i>(Magician archetype)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Beware punishment mentality; no shame, no blame<\/li>\n<li>This is about insight, not harsh lessons; about inner guidance, not self-attack<\/li>\n<li>Requires humility and curiosity (beginner\u2019s mind, an open hand)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000; font-family: Verdana,Tahoma,Arial; font-size: small;\"><b>4. Practice [my Task]<\/b>\u00a0<i>(Sovereign archetype)<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Do it with lightness and as an experiment\u2014this is NOT penance!<\/li>\n<li>This is a gift, an offer of yourself to the world, an act of agency<\/li>\n<li>This may require courage: new behaviors, especially those performed publicly, often do<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><b>HAVE FUN!<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">This is new thinking on my part\u2014or a new synthesis of ideas. I share it in the spirit of welcoming you all to join me in playing with these questions and the model or maps they may evoke or reflect. I\u2019d love to hear from you with your own insights, applications, suggestions or questions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">In a future article I will explore how to make Truth statements in a way that fosters listening, understanding and truth-telling from others. I will also expand the model to look at the dimensions of group or culture and explore how the questions can be answered in the &#8220;we,&#8221; leading to ownership, learning and agency at the group or organizational level.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">Feel free to share this with others, provided you include the following statement and link to my web site: &#8220;Written by Joseph DiCenso, 2009. All rights reserved.&#8221;\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.joseph-dicenso.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">http:\/\/www.joseph-dicenso.com<\/a>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\">\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><i>For over 20 years Joseph DiCenso has been helping individuals and groups bring more of themselves to life and meet their deep desires. He does so currently as a counselor-coach, workshop facilitator and leadership consultant living in the hills of western Massachusetts. Contact him via his website,\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.joseph-dicenso.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">www.Joseph-Dicenso.com<\/a>\u00a0or by email at\u00a0<a href=\"mailto:josephd@crocker.com\">josephd@crocker.com<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: black; font-family: Verdana, Tahoma, Arial; font-size: small;\"><i>This article originally appeared in our free email newsletter in 2009. To subscribe, visit our\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/contact\/\">subscription page<\/a>.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n<p>Back to the\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/article-index\/\">Articles Menu<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>By Joseph DiCenso What is my\u00a0truth? What is my\u00a0part? What is my\u00a0learning? OR What am I\u00a0learning? What is my\u00a0task? In preparing for a recent piece of work with a small [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[33],"tags":[42],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/878"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=878"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/878\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=878"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=878"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shadowwork.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=878"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}