June 2015, by Junie Moon Schreiber
I wept today.
Deeply. Old grief appeared and I knew I must release it to be whole, to be healed, to allow joy back in. With the work I do, I know holding on, pushing it aside and ignoring the heartache will just cause more pain. I know too much now to let things just fester.
I honor my feelings. They are great teachers. And so I entered into a sacred space to explore my heart and heal. To move some blocked energy so I can feel free.
You see, my back has been hurting for a few weeks now. I could blame the new exercise program, the sitting on the couch with my computer with not the best posture, or the loss, which I know is the real culprit.
I have been here before. Physical pain appearing, and having me believe there is something wrong with me, that my herniations are kicking up — and you know what? There is something wrong but it isn’t my back. My heart aches.
Is it okay to share this with you? I am a life coach. I guide people. Aren’t I supposed to have my shit together? What will you think? Will you judge me for being weak?
That is exactly why I am sharing this. Perhaps you too have some sadness in you that festers and holds you back in some way. I think vulnerability is strength and not weakness, and I hope as you read what I did to move this grief, you too can release some of what you hold so you too can feel free.
WHAT’S AT RISK FOR YOU TO FEEL?
It is not weakness to feel. To feel is to be human and it is a blessing. What’s at risk for you to feel?
This is the work. To step into a place of truth in the name of transformation. To heal. To embrace what is so, and then move forward feeling lighter and stronger.
So I stepped into the pain — to understand it, to track it and then have the pain lift.
This was my process.
First I asked my self what I wanted. And I said I wanted to feel whole, loved and connected. And then I identified the part of me that felt alone, scared, and deeply sad. I also found a part of me that is really pissed off.
I stepped into the vulnerable part and wept. I spoke out loud and said — I feel so sad. I feel so alone. And I cried my eyes out thinking about the loss of my dad, the loss of my son, the loss of my marriage, the loss of my recent partner. I dove into the grief and I let it run its course.
But then something else appeared. The anger.
And so I moved into that part and voiced how angry I was that my father died and I had to feel so alone. How angry I was that my son doesn’t speak to me — which as I voiced it, I heard myself say he discarded me (wow, that’s big) and how he can’t acknowledge the loving mom I had been to him all those years, and I went on with how angry I was that my husband wasn’t able to step into the fire with me and save our marriage. And how angry that I had to step away from the recent relationship because it wasn’t a good fit anymore.
I let it rip. I didn’t censor. I had to let the anger pour out. I had been holding it, not wanting to feel it, scared that if I opened this faucet the damn would explode and I would be a mess.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
There are consequences when we hold ourselves down and don’t express our feelings. Our anger and sadness come out sideways and hurt others and, yes, sometimes ourselves. But by moving through them this way, it is safe. I was alone processing but typically you would be facilitated by a trained Shadow Work® Facilitator or Coach to do this. I share this with you because I want you to know it is ok to feel, to listen to your inner truth, your heart. I share this because I want you to know you are not alone.
And so I continued. I brought in a part that could love me and soothe me. If you remember, I wanted to feel connected and loved, so I needed support in some way. A part that knows how special I am and could offer me words that would help me. And this part held me as I wept.
This part had words like: You are never alone. So many people love you. It’s ok to weep, just know you are loved. You are taken care of. Your father and grandmother are right here with you. Be in stillness so you can feel them with you. Loving you. Seeing you for your beauty.
And this part continued with such beautiful words. I was giving myself a big hug as I listened to this wise woman who knows the truth. Knows that I am ok and that I am surrounded by love. And great reminders of who I really am.
I calmed down. My breathing relaxed and yes my back also felt better.
I HONOR YOUR TRUTH
I share my journey with you because I want you to know you are not alone. You are a beautiful soul having a human experience that sometimes hurts. I hope the message you receive today is to feel. To allow yourself to flow. To be with your truth and not to shut it down. And to reach out for support if you have challenges in this arena.
We are not taught in this culture how to honor our feelings — how to work with them. We have been taught to judge them as weak or scary.
What if there is power in owning your truth? How much more life-force might you experience if you accepted all of you? That is my hope for you.
From my heart to yours, I honor your truth, your light and the beautiful soul you are.
Junie Moon Schreiber is a certified Shadow Work® Group Facilitator in Oak Ridge, New Jersey. Read more about Junie.
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