Shadow Work

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Confessions of a Life Coach

July 31, 2018 By Giles Carwyn

June 2015, by Junie Moon Schreiber

Junie Moon Schreiber Shadow Work Facilitator Oak Ridge New Jersey

 

 

 

I wept today.

Deeply. Old grief appeared and I knew I must release it to be whole, to be healed, to allow joy back in. With the work I do, I know holding on, pushing it aside and ignoring the heartache will just cause more pain. I know too much now to let things just fester.

I honor my feelings. They are great teachers. And so I entered into a sacred space to explore my heart and heal. To move some blocked energy so I can feel free.

You see, my back has been hurting for a few weeks now. I could blame the new exercise program, the sitting on the couch with my computer with not the best posture, or the loss, which I know is the real culprit.

I have been here before. Physical pain appearing, and having me believe there is something wrong with me, that my herniations are kicking up — and you know what? There is something wrong but it isn’t my back. My heart aches.

Is it okay to share this with you? I am a life coach. I guide people. Aren’t I supposed to have my shit together? What will you think? Will you judge me for being weak?

That is exactly why I am sharing this. Perhaps you too have some sadness in you that festers and holds you back in some way. I think vulnerability is strength and not weakness, and I hope as you read what I did to move this grief, you too can release some of what you hold so you too can feel free.

WHAT’S AT RISK FOR YOU TO FEEL?

It is not weakness to feel. To feel is to be human and it is a blessing. What’s at risk for you to feel?

This is the work. To step into a place of truth in the name of transformation. To heal. To embrace what is so, and then move forward feeling lighter and stronger.

So I stepped into the pain — to understand it, to track it and then have the pain lift.

MY PROCESS

This was my process.

First I asked my self what I wanted. And I said I wanted to feel whole, loved and connected. And then I identified the part of me that felt alone, scared, and deeply sad. I also found a part of me that is really pissed off.

I stepped into the vulnerable part and wept. I spoke out loud and said — I feel so sad. I feel so alone. And I cried my eyes out thinking about the loss of my dad, the loss of my son, the loss of my marriage, the loss of my recent partner. I dove into the grief and I let it run its course.

But then something else appeared. The anger.

And so I moved into that part and voiced how angry I was that my father died and I had to feel so alone. How angry I was that my son doesn’t speak to me — which as I voiced it, I heard myself say he discarded me (wow, that’s big) and how he can’t acknowledge the loving mom I had been to him all those years, and I went on with how angry I was that my husband wasn’t able to step into the fire with me and save our marriage. And how angry that I had to step away from the recent relationship because it wasn’t a good fit anymore.

I let it rip. I didn’t censor. I had to let the anger pour out. I had been holding it, not wanting to feel it, scared that if I opened this faucet the damn would explode and I would be a mess.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

There are consequences when we hold ourselves down and don’t express our feelings. Our anger and sadness come out sideways and hurt others and, yes, sometimes ourselves. But by moving through them this way, it is safe. I was alone processing but typically you would be facilitated by a trained Shadow Work® Facilitator or Coach to do this. I share this with you because I want you to know it is ok to feel, to listen to your inner truth, your heart. I share this because I want you to know you are not alone.

And so I continued. I brought in a part that could love me and soothe me. If you remember, I wanted to feel connected and loved, so I needed support in some way. A part that knows how special I am and could offer me words that would help me. And this part held me as I wept.

This part had words like: You are never alone. So many people love you. It’s ok to weep, just know you are loved. You are taken care of. Your father and grandmother are right here with you. Be in stillness so you can feel them with you. Loving you. Seeing you for your beauty.

And this part continued with such beautiful words. I was giving myself a big hug as I listened to this wise woman who knows the truth. Knows that I am ok and that I am surrounded by love. And great reminders of who I really am.

I calmed down. My breathing relaxed and yes my back also felt better.

I HONOR YOUR TRUTH

I share my journey with you because I want you to know you are not alone. You are a beautiful soul having a human experience that sometimes hurts. I hope the message you receive today is to feel. To allow yourself to flow. To be with your truth and not to shut it down. And to reach out for support if you have challenges in this arena.

We are not taught in this culture how to honor our feelings — how to work with them. We have been taught to judge them as weak or scary.

What if there is power in owning your truth? How much more life-force might you experience if you accepted all of you? That is my hope for you.

From my heart to yours, I honor your truth, your light and the beautiful soul you are.

 

Junie Moon Schreiber is a certified Shadow Work® Group Facilitator in Oak Ridge, New Jersey. Read more about Junie.

This article originally appeared in our free email newsletter in July 2015. To subscribe, visit our subscription page.

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Filed Under: Facilitating and Processing, Personal Stories

What Does the Jester Want?

July 26, 2018 By Giles Carwyn

May 2014, by Cindy Vargas

Shadow Work Coach and Facilitator Cindy Vargas Phoenix Arizona

 

 

 

“I am completely baffled, Cindy,” says Betsy as I give her a massage. “I have these 10 pounds that I can’t quite get rid of, no matter what I do.”

And of course I am thinking that I would love to have only 10 pounds to have to try to remove. But that was a momentary lapse into female envy.

She launches into a list of the things she’s done and how it just never works. Massage clients really do ask me these kinds of questions. This one in particular is a composite of questions and stories from several people that I’ve blended so that no one is trackable.

“Do you have any ideas about what I should do?” she says.

Apparently massage therapists can also divine what a person should do to magically lose 10 pounds. I scroll through all the spectacular fails I personally have had on the same subject and decide to try some tools that actually helped me.


DIFFERENT TERRITORY

“What’s bad about losing weight?” I ask.

She is taken aback at such a question. I’m thinking that it’s just a fun way to ask about the risks. In Shadow Work, a lot of the territory we work is about wants and risks.

After several minutes of wondering aloud about what it might cost her if she lost weight, Betsy suddenly realizes that her daughter always wants to have a snack with her before going to bed. And it’s always strawberry ice cream. Her daughter is about to graduate from high school and soon Betsy will have an empty nest. And then it was like the light came on.

“I don’t want to lose that time with her, and I feel like such a party pooper if I don’t join her.”

I’m thinking, “That was easy”. But after a little bit, she pops out with, “But my body sort of aches and bothers me. I don’t feel at ease. My doctor says that there’s nothing wrong with me, but I just don’t feel comfortable.”

It’s not my job to diagnose things for people, and most people don’t like to be reminded that their age might have something to do with the aches, so I’m thinking she’s probably asking for some other kind of help. Like a story.


IN THE KINGDOM

“How about if you imagine a kingdom,” I say. And we start the process of developing what the kingdom in her internal world looks like. After that unfolds, I say, “So now, if you could imagine your body exactly how you’ve described it to me, as a character or a thing in this kingdom, who or what would it be?”

For Shadow Work® facilitators, this is a way to get a part out. Cliff Barry has told me that he often uses his own body aches and pains as sources of information by creating the parts that they play and getting the messages from them. It’s a very useful tool.

“For some silly reason, I see a jester,” she says.

“What’s he or she like?” I say.

“He’s all dressed up and ready to perform.”

“Where is he and what is he doing?”

“He’s locked up in the stable. And he’s banging on the walls, but nobody comes to let him out.”

“How does he feel about that?”

“Sad. Dejected. Like nobody loves him or is delighted to see him.” She muses for a bit. “He just wants some attention.”

“Who does he want to give him attention?” I ask.

“The Queen.”

“Where’s the Queen?”

“She’s up in a tower looking over the land. She’s a really nice queen and she loves her people.”

“Does she know about the jester being locked up in the stable?”

“No. She doesn’t.”

“So who does?”

“The butler does.”

“Do the Queen and the butler talk?”

“Oh, yes.”

“So now that you know that the jester is sad and dejected in the stable, and that the Queen doesn’t realize it but the butler knows, what do you want to have happen to the jester?”


THE BIG WANT

“The butler needs to tell the Queen, and the Queen will send for the jester and ask him to perform for her and the royal family, and she will clap for him and tell him she does care about him and not let him get locked up anymore.” She continues this description of what she sees happening in her mind and doesn’t realize that tears are slipping down her face.

“I haven’t loved my body very much, you know.”

“I hear you,” I say.

“And all it wants is for me to pay attention to it and love it.”

And so ends the massage session with her decision to take an Epsom salts bath with essential oils and to drink more water. I might have suggested that option but she was listening to the jester and thought it up for herself.

There are lots of ways to think about a jester wanting attention and delight and what it says to a person about what her body might need. But the real gain was what Betsy wanted and needed for herself; not what I might see would be a good plan. And if she wants to explore the story further, she can ask herself who in the kingdom might have wanted to lock the jester up and why. Fun thoughts like that.

This story is somewhat true and somewhat fiction. Like most stories. The human imagination is astonishing, and I’ve had a parade of kings, queens, children, dragons, lethal mists, bunnies, magicians, cloaked dark men, talking trees, scribes, birds, scrolls, quicksand, a blue womb and Gandalf, cross my story line and my massage table. And now I’ve met a jester who wants attention.

Makes sense to me.


Cindy Vargas is a Certified Shadow Work® Coach, Certified Shadow Work® Group Facilitator, and Licensed Massage Therapist in Phoenix, Arizona. Read more about Cindy.

This article originally appeared in our free email newsletter in May 2014. To subscribe, visit our subscription page.

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Filed Under: Facilitating and Processing

Top 20 Things You Can Learn at Basic Facilitator Training

January 19, 2018 By -

The Basic Facilitator Training, or BFT, is for people who want to learn about human nature, about themselves, and about how they can help people with troubling personal issues.

Here’s just some of the learning you’ll get.

YOUR SHADOW AS A FACILITATOR AND HOW TO USE IT

  1. Love your dark side.We all have a “dark side” — parts of us that are in shadow. Only those who learn to see their dark side without shame can use it to help others. Those who can’t see their dark side will be controlled by it.
  2. Start a lifetime of feeling better about yourself. Many of us fear the part of ourselves that wants to take control. That controlling part of us, however, is the same part of us that wants to learn to facilitate. What it really wants is to create safety, for us and for those we’re trying to help. You’ll learn why you needn’t feel ashamed of your inner facilitator and how you can use it to make your participant feel safe.

HOW TO SPOT MAGICIAN WOUNDS AND USE THE MAGICIAN TOOLS

  1. Reveal what somebody’s really saying. You’ll learn how to “mirror,” a way of listening that helps someone find clarity.
  2. Be amazed as Mistakes morph before your very eyes into The Best Strategies Available At The Time.You’ll learn how to help people get the gold out of their mistakes and how to help them transform regret into compassion.
  3. Change somebody’s life during dinner.You’ll learn the seven-step What’s At Risk process, which can help a person move safely through a personal obstacle within minutes.
  4. View yourself from the other side of the room.Until you’ve tried it, you won’t believe how much clarity and perspective you get from having your inner voices spoken by role-players while you watch from a distance. You’ll learn to “split out” a participant’s inner voices and then what to do with their inner tableau.
  5. Spot a group participant who’d rather be anywhere else than in your group.If you lead groups, you know that people sometimes come to groups with fear of the group experience. You’ll learn to spot them and how to safely handle their fear and bring them back into the group.
  6. Find your inner light switch.You’ll learn to “switch” an unwanted sensation into something you want, and how to help the person you’re facilitating do the same.

HOW TO SPOT SOVEREIGN WOUNDS AND USE THE SOVEREIGN TOOLS

  1. Sense when you’re getting set up for a fall.We all have “circuitry” for idealizing someone or something and then getting betrayed. You’ll learn about the idealization-betrayal circuit and what to do when someone’s idealizing you.
  2. Why some people deflect compliments.When someone can’t accept something good, it probably means there’s a risk involved. You’ll learn to recognize when a risk is appearing, and how to facilitate the process that helps them deal with it.
  3. Pull an angel out of thin air.You’ll learn how to recognize someone in need of support from an ideal being, and how to get it to them.

HOW TO SPOT LOVER WOUNDS AND USE THE LOVER TOOLS

  1. Remove a lump from someone’s throat, without surgery!When your participant wants to be free of an unwanted sensation in their body, the Metaphor Pull-Out process helps them pull it out.
  2. Talk to an adult who has just turned into a kid.There’s a special way of talking to somebody when they’re experiencing a Lover wound, developed by David Grove. You’ll learn how to use it and experience why it works so well.

HOW TO SPOT WARRIOR WOUNDS AND USE THE WARRIOR TOOLS

  1. What your “ego” really is and why it doesn’t deserve its bad rep. You’ll learn why your ego isn’t bad at all and why it’s essential to your sense of self.
  2. Give the power to the people.You’ll learn to recognize when a participant’s power is not available to them and how to help them regain control of it.

WHAT A SHAME-FREE CONTAINER IS LIKE

  1. Start creating a family of choice.The training environment is a shame-free place where you can be who you are. There’s simply no better learning environment. Many people come to feel a close bond with their fellow trainees that’s thicker than water. We all have a family of origin; we can also have a family of choice.
  2. Laugh about your family and what a corker life really is.You’ll learn one of Shadow Work’s best-kept secrets: that we laugh a lot when we’re together. When we find compassion for our wounds, we get a new perspective on human nature that’s both endearing and hilarious. Carl Jung was known for his wonderful laugh. Maybe you’ll become known for yours.

WHAT IT’S LIKE TO FACILITATE

  1. Watch some great acting.You’ll do more than study. You’ll practice. At first, you’ll practice on the trainers, some of the world’s best unpaid actors (uh…).
  2. Get hands-on experience. You’ll facilitate real processes in a team with other trainees, with the trainers coaching you in a supportive learning environment. Shadow Work trainers are known for their affirming way of giving feedback.

HOW GOOD THIS WORK FEELS

And the number one thing you’ll learn at the BFT:

  1. Something surprisingly good about yourself.After you’ve learned and practiced the processes, you’ll do a piece of your own work. It will give you an opportunity to “feel from the inside-out” one of the processes you’ve learned to facilitate. You might do Sovereign work and feel what it’s like to get, and give, unconditional love. You might do Warrior work and break your personal record for yards rushing. You might do Magician work and learn about the risks that have been standing in your way. You might do Lover work and get rid of a physical symptom.

Whatever kind of work you do, you’ll resolve an issue that’s been troubling you, perhaps for years.

For more information on the Basic Facilitator Training.

For the dates of upcoming Trainings, see the calendar.

 

Alyce Barry lives in Evanston, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. She is the author of Practically Shameless, which was on Amazon.com’s Bestseller list of books about Jungian psychology for more than a year.

This article originally appeared in our free email newsletter in February 2006.

Filed Under: Facilitating and Processing

Facilitating the Collective

January 19, 2018 By -

by Martin Lassoff –

Having spent 13 years as a ManKind Project leader and Shadow Work® Group Facilitator, I have observed a certain phenomenon on many hundreds of occasions.  [Read more…]

Filed Under: Facilitating and Processing Tagged With: Articles

What Makes Two Processes Foundational: Ideal Support and the Warrior Run

January 19, 2018 By -

I work with a variety of small groups which use dramatic emotional work. During the past year, I’ve enjoyed introducing them to Shadow Work® methods, using a simplified version of Shadow Work® processes called the Carpet Training Manual.

While editing that manual recently, I reflected on a question I’m commonly asked: “Why are the two processes on which that manual is based—the Ideal Support and Warrior Run processes—the foundation of the work we do?”

The four quartersIdeal Support has traditionally been thought of as a Sovereign process, since it brings a person support from an ideal being or concept. The Warrior Run has, as its name suggests, been seen as a Warrior process, since it helps a person set a boundary. On a map of the Shadow Work® Model, the Sovereign and Warrior archetypes share a “north-south” axis.

Why are these processes foundational? Are the Sovereign and Warrior archetypes, or perhaps their shared axis, somehow the natural starting place for carpet work? Are these processes simply what we’ve discovered thus far, perhaps to be superseded by even more basic processes later? Or are they simply the easiest processes to learn to facilitate?

I will explore some possible explanations for the foundational nature of these processes, in order to suggest some future areas for growth and exploration within Shadow Work®.

WANTING TWO THINGS

One explanation is expressed well by Shadow Work® facilitator Dmitri Bilgere in the “Online Carpet Training” available at his website, dbweb.org. In the training, he attempts to distill facilitation into its most simple and jargon-free form:

“Here’s a BIG process work secret:

People want one or both of two things. They either want to separate from something, or to connect to something. That’s it.

That fact simplifies process work a lot.”

Dmitri goes on to describe the Warrior Run as “[getting] angry at a big mean part, in order to separate from it.” He describes Ideal Support as “[getting] sad and loving with a small helpless part, in order to connect to it.”

His explanations suggest that, rather than being associated only with the Sovereign and Warrior quarters (as they tend to be in formal Shadow Work® materials), these two processes, in their rawest form, explore an even more primal distinction of separation/connection. Ideal Support, after all, involves the entire Lover-Sovereign energetic loop, connecting both by being little and by being big, with a lot of “connecting through feelings.”

From such an observation, I think there’s an obvious connection that can be made to attachment theory and related realms of psychology. Attachment theory explores the idea that our earliest experiences of psycho-social attachment to our caregivers set patterns which play out throughout our lives.

OUR ATTACHMENTS

We could easily view Ideal Support and the Warrior Run as experiences in which the participant severs a poor psychological attachment and creates a healthier re-attachment. Shadow Work® theory does propose that the most primal archetypes are the Lover and the Warrior, suggesting a resonance with attachment theory, in that these archetypes can be described as fundamentally connecting to, or separating from, others. I believe this kind of thinking about attachments is important because it emphasizes the deep symbolic nature, built upon our earliest experiences, of what is happening on the carpet.

But I don’t find it helpful to always view these processes as a return to rework infantile issues. In reality, I rarely work with people who aren’t attached to something in some good way, or with people who have no boundaries whatsoever, the kinds of conditions that would seem to call for an attachment-therapy orientation.

Rather, what I experience with participants on the carpet is a shift in their perceptions of what they can attach to and separate from. I see participants looking over the contents of their lives and perceiving new aspects or opportunities or realities, followed by a symbolic enactment and practicing of the newfound choices such perceptions present. What changes on the carpet is not someone’s fundamental ability to connect and separate but what they perceive they can apply those abilities to — what new meaning they make of their lives.

MAKING MEANING

It’s a little hard to get language around the process by which human beings transform their own meaning-making, but we see it emerging in the Shadow Work® literature. For example, the six-step What’s At Risk process has given rise to the term “2-5 shift,” summarized here:

 

  • What do you want?
  • What’s at risk for you to get it?
  • So it looks like you’ve got things set up so you don’t get (what you want) so you don’t run the risk of (the risk), is that right?
  • Why that risk makes sense.
  • So you made a decision not to take that risk, and that decision’s been with you all this time. How’s it going now? Does not (getting what you want) keep you from (risking)? Or do you ever (risk) anyway?
  • If yes, are you willing to (get what you want), knowing that in doing so, you run the risk of (risk)?

 

The term “2-5 shift” means that in step #5 the participant reinterprets the risk seen in step #2, or constructs different meaning in it. If there were no shift in meaning, the participant would have an “apples to apples” experience of a shift in their relationship with it, but the risk itself would not change. However, if the participant experiences a shift in the meaning they make of the situation and risks, they are said to have had an “apples to oranges” experience of a shift in values about what is important.

This example with What’s At Risk serves to illustrate how Shadow Work® catalyzes a participant’s construction of meaning. When we talk about a participant’s “evolution of values” during a process, we are talking about a shift in how they reconstruct the form of their situation. I submit that Shadow Work® implicitly rests upon a constructivist framework. That isn’t much of a leap. To go further, I suggest that it recognizes a directionality to the evolution of meaning-construction — a recognition of this as growth, and a sense that increasing order of complexity or texture in someone’s meaning-making is a good thing, and should be nurtured.

Constructivist models of the evolution of meaning-making within a particular person are not something we talk about much in the Jungian-oriented world of emotional work, to our loss. Nurturing the meaning-making process is the realm of another branch of psychology, Adult Developmental Psychology, a branch that is usually, unfortunately, partitioned off under topics such as “adult education.” Most of us who have encountered developmental psychology have found it focused on children (where the funding is) or shallowly addressed as “lifecycle models” or popularly as “passages” or “phases.”

Since the 1980s, models have crystallized within adult developmental psychology that explain the evolution of meaning-making: how a person who has been making a particular type of “apples to apples” meaning in her life will predictably experience a particular “apples to oranges” transformational insight. These models explain the sequence and patterns for the evolution of the form of individual values. The model which is recognized as synthesizing a great deal of research into one coherent whole is Subject-Object Theory, developed by Harvard’s Robert Kegan.

NEW WAYS OF SEPARATING AND CONNECTING

These developmental models conceive each new developmental stage (each significant transformation of meaning-making or emergence of new faculties with which to make meaning) as being experienced simultaneously as a new way of separating and a new way of connecting. What transforms or evolves in the participant is not the ability to separate or connect; rather, it is the felt reality of what can be separated from or connected to.

For example, imagine a participant processing his frustration over an agreement with a supervisor at work. Week after week, he attends status meetings where the supervisor is late and unprepared, takes actions without follow-through, and keeps no meeting notes. The participant feels trapped, held by expectations and roles, frustrated, wasted, and unheard.

After processing the issue, using whatever tools are available (in Shadow Work® the tools would be splits and triangles), it would not be unusual for such a participant to have a transformational moment, a knowing moment, where he says something like, “Why have I been showing up, week after week, enabling this behavior? I’m contributing to it. It’s my life that’s being wasted and I’m contributing to this happening. I don’t know what this means for my relationship with my boss, but I’m going to change something!”

He may move into a boundary-setting Warrior Run or perhaps discover that he has been projecting his father onto his supervisor and explore his connection with his own internal ideal supporter. In either case, what has actually shifted are his perception, labels, meaning, and ownership for the situation.

I am convinced that in this way Shadow Work® directly nurtures adult development, by explicitly creating opportunity for new meaning-making to emerge while protecting the participant from the facilitators’ meaning-overlays. It then nurtures development by providing ways, chosen by the participant, in which to symbolically anchor the new meaning that has been made, along with the new choices and responsibilities that it presents.

This is why the foundational processes of separation and connection are so valuable in such a wide spectrum of situations on the carpet, and thus why their formalized forms of Ideal Support and Warrior Run are so broadly applicable as the foundational processes to learn to facilitate.

And this is why these two processes remain valuable, no matter how experienced a participant is, and no matter how many times the participant has done an Ideal Support or Warrior Run before. What they are separating from or connecting to is new, within their perception, each time. A participant can engage with the same “basic” process over and over, involving even the same apparent content. But because the meaning he makes of what happens evolves along with his own growing edge, it can be a new experience for him. As Heraclitus of Ephesus famously said, “No man can cross the same river twice, because neither the man nor the river are the same.”

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’ve been learning about Shadow Work® since the summer of 2000. What most attracted me to Shadow Work® is its style of facilitating. Unlike some other styles, Shadow Work®ers don’t feel they have to invent clever new processes to get the participant to “see” what the facilitators see. Instead, facilitators choose to work with a series of basic moves to nurture the emergence of the participant’s own unique, in-context insight. From a constructive-developmental point-of-view, this is a far more effective course.

This understanding of Shadow Work® suggests another encouraging insight: that facilitators don’t have to be “ahead” of participants. They don’t have to possess a more textured set of developmental faculties than the people they are facilitating because their toolset allows participants to choose their own meaning, and separate from or connect to symbols which have meaning to the participant. The facilitators do not have to share the participants’ interpretation of content in order to nurture their growth.

I hope to initiate a discussion on the resonance between Shadow Work® and developmental psychology. Whether you agree or disagree with my line of thought, I’d love to hear from you, at darren_cummings@hotmail.com.


Darren Cummings and his three kids
Darren Cummings creates and trains adult development groups, including ManKind Project I-groups.  His day job involves knowledge deployment, training, and process coordination for Honeywell’s Flight Management Systems software development organization. He lives in Phoenix, Arizona, with his wife, Sara, and their children, Shawn, Pratista and Sheldon.

 

This article originally appeared in our free email newsletter in December 2007. To subscribe, visit our subscription page.

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Filed Under: Facilitating and Processing Tagged With: Articles

A Benefit Of The Trainings: Encapsulating a Process in Conversation

January 19, 2018 By -

by Alyce Barry – 

With each Shadow Work® facilitation training I’ve taken, I’ve developed a more finely tuned awareness of the ways in which human beings get hurt. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Facilitating and Processing Tagged With: Articles

Metaphorically Speaking

January 19, 2018 By -

by Cindy Vargas –

“Your internal village sounds like it’s in an uproar,” said the counselor calmly.

“No kidding. Wait. My what?” [Read more…]

Filed Under: Facilitating and Processing Tagged With: Articles

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