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By Joseph DiCenso
In preparing for a recent piece of work with a small business going through a major transition and confronting deep interpersonal conflicts, these four questions came to me as potentially useful. Since then, I have spent some time honing them and my thinking about them as a tool.
I like the simplicity of the questions and the ground they cover. I think they can be applied to group, team, family and/or relationship settings as well as to individual reflection and personal mastery.
Being a model-making type, I couldnít just leave the questions as a list but felt compelled to see if they were an expression of something model-like. I actually think theyíre quite serviceable and adequate as "just" a list of questions, and some readers may stop here and start using them out in the world without further ado.
But, actually, before you do so, I think you may find youíll get even more out of them if I at least define my termswhat I mean by "truth," "part," "learning," and "task." While they may seem to speak for themselves, some of them could be construed in ways I donít mean.
By Truth, I mean what authors Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks call "the unarguable truth," or those things I can say that are simply not subject to dispute. Basically, that means whatís happening now, in my bodybreath, belly, bones and emotions. I agree with the Hendrickses that the body tells the truth, so listening to and knowing how to interpret the body is more than half the work to be done here.
So, the first step is coming clean with myself, which requires self-awareness, a capacity for reflection and self-acceptancemaking room for whatever shows up inside me.
Thus, answering the question, "What is my truth?" I reveal myself rather than take your inventory. Iím not judging or evaluating, shaming or blaming othersor myself, for that matter! Iím speaking whatís alive in me simply and briefly, without game-playing or manipulation, pity or pride, pandering or protecting.
EXAMPLE: "My body is fidgety, and Iím not fully engaged."
My Part is how I am (or have been) co-creating, colluding with, or contributing to the current reality I just spoke about in my Truth statement. This requires a willingness to take responsibility. Somewhere between codependence/rescuer consciousness ("Everythingís my fault/happens on my watch") and victim consciousness ("Everything happens to me") is a state of vibrant self-responsibility wherein I take 100% responsibility only for my behaviorsand perhaps my beliefs, feelings, attitudes and values as well. With this model I suggest that behavior alonewhat I do or saybe the focus of this second question, "What is my part?" (Question three provides an opportunity to address the less tangible beliefs, values, attitudes and feelings.)
Owning my part is not about shame or blame. Its purpose is not to figure out how Iíve been bad, but to notice where I have power and choice and what Iíve done (or not done) with those resources.
EXAMPLE: "I have not asked for what would keep me fully engaged."
The term Learning refers to meaning, lessons, insights or guidance gained from reflecting on the first two questions. This requires humility and curiosity. For many of us, learning is laden with lots of baggage from our culture or personal history. It can be a form of punishment ("That oughta teach you a lesson!") or a shaming act ("You should know better"). To learn anything, we must first admit our not knowing, which can bring its own risks.
The learning I invite and encourage in this model is free of shoulds and shame, self-attack or punishment, and full of honesty, humility, curiosity and trust in oneís own intuition.
I use two forms of the question because "What is my learning?" points toward a single and specific lesson or insight, whereas asking "What am I learning?" allows that I may be engaged in an ongoing process of inquiry, meaning-making and mastery. Either one or both may be appropriate, given your context.
EXAMPLE: "I have been blaming others for my boredom rather than voicing requests for what would engage me."
Task is about action, application, contribution or gift. It asks, "How will I apply what I'm learning in concrete and specific action/behavior?" And, "What is my task (or part) in creating my/our desired future reality?"
Whatís required at this stage is agencyto be willing and able to take action on my own behalf and for the benefit of others, to exert my power or influence. My task, in this context, is the thing I can do that I also choose to do. My task is not determined by "shoulds" or shame. It is not a penance or a punishment; it is more a sacrament and an experiment; something I fully offer without attachmentbut with attentionto outcome.
EXAMPLE: "At the next three meetings, I will request, and offer to lead, physical movement at the start and the middle of our meeting."
NO SHAME, NO BLAME
You may have noticed how, with each of the four questions, I have emphasized the importance of stepping out of any habits of shaming or blaming (self or others). I believe we live in a world, especially in the Westand in the U.S., in particular, where blame, shame and punishment are reflexive; they are culturally reinforced habits that show up in everything from our legal and penal (!) systems to our education system. From within this cultural trance, we view differences and unmet expectations as the result of someone being "right/good" and another being "wrong/bad." This creates separation, polarization and fear, and dampens curiosity, empathy, learning, cooperation and generosity.
For these four questions to yield the learning and movement that I believe is their potential, they must be asked from a different cultural context or belief system stance than what I see as the dominant (and, therefore, often invisible) one Iíve named above.
So, as you try on and try out these four questions, I urge you to keep an eye out for where you fall into the habit of shame and blame. When this happens you might try asking yourself, "If there were no Ďbadí ones, only unsuccessful attempts to meet our deepest needs, then what?"
COURAGE AND SELFHOOD
All four questions require a certain courage and self-esteem or self-possession. We cannot even ask the first question in some situations without the courage to find and face unpleasant or painful feelingsto say nothing about the guts it takes to reveal ourselves to others. To own up, we need to face our own imperfections; to learn we need to admit that we donít know. To offer something of ourselves requires the courage to risk "failure" or rejection. (Note: I love the anonymous quote, "The only true failure is not to learn from what happens.")
The more at home with ourselves we arethe stronger our selfhoodthe more access we have to these kinds of courage. I believe these questions also grow courage and selfhood, perhaps because they demand them from us, but also because they offer them as rewards. The more I exercise my self-awareness, responsibility, curiosity, humility, agency and detachment, the more I affirm my belonging with myself, my at-homeness and my ability to act on my behalf while benefiting the whole.
THE SHADOW WORK® ARCHETYPES
As I played around with the questions and this model, I noticed the resonance of the four archetypes of Lover, Warrior, Magician and Sovereign. As I see it, the healthy and balanced expression of each is represented in the four questions.
A LEARNING AND GROWTH CYCLE:
1. Truth-telling (Lover archetype)
This is new thinking on my partor a new synthesis of ideas. I share it in the spirit of welcoming you all to join me in playing with these questions and the model or maps they may evoke or reflect. Iíd love to hear from you with your own insights, applications, suggestions or questions.
In a future article I will explore how to make Truth statements in a way that fosters listening, understanding and truth-telling from others. I will also expand the model to look at the dimensions of group or culture and explore how the questions can be answered in the "we," leading to ownership, learning and agency at the group or organizational level.
Feel free to share this with others, provided you include the following statement and link to my web site: "Written by Joseph DiCenso, 2009. All rights reserved." http://www.joseph-dicenso.com.
For over 20 years Joseph DiCenso has been helping individuals and groups bring more of themselves to life and meet their deep desires. He does so currently as a counselor-coach, workshop facilitator and leadership consultant living in the hills of western Massachusetts. Contact him via his website, www.Joseph-Dicenso.com or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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